i'm quite lonely
Mar. 30th, 2013 10:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kasihyaI've been on the computer a lot more than usual, lately, and it hasn't been the productive kind of "on the computer". Nope, I've turned into the sort of person who constantly flicks back and forth between social media sites, hoping for something to happen or someone to talk to me. I've even started watching television again. When I noticed it, I thought, that's weird. I'm behaving the same way that I did last year, when I was all isolated from everyone else. Then I realized: I am lonely again.
Oh.
My standard for what constitutes "alone" is rather high, so I guess that's why it didn't occur to me sooner. I live with people, I can't be lonely. I hang out at least once a week with MR, I can't be lonely. I talk to MM after or during class at least once a week, I can't be lonely. Etc, etc. But I am. I want to spend more time with people I like, different people. I want to do things. And I do my best to get out and go to events when I can, but I'm always going by myself, and I do wish that I could go with other people, you know?
Part of it is self-imposed. I've been stressed for weeks now, and when I'm stressed, I get very easily irritated, so nearly everyone has been -- oh, but even that's not true. When I say "nearly everyone", what I really mean is "R", because she's the only other friend I have. I feel bad for being so irritated by her that I tend to generalize every issue I have with her into a blanket statement, and that's another story.
So there's that. I am lonely, and I'm doing my best to fill the void, but so far I am having only moderate amounts of success, and I still feel unhappy and unfulfilled most of the time. I keep thinking: I just need to write this story, I just need to finish this drawing, and then everyone on the internet will love me and then I won't be sad all the time. It doesn't work like that, and it never works out like that anyway.
Oh.
My standard for what constitutes "alone" is rather high, so I guess that's why it didn't occur to me sooner. I live with people, I can't be lonely. I hang out at least once a week with MR, I can't be lonely. I talk to MM after or during class at least once a week, I can't be lonely. Etc, etc. But I am. I want to spend more time with people I like, different people. I want to do things. And I do my best to get out and go to events when I can, but I'm always going by myself, and I do wish that I could go with other people, you know?
Part of it is self-imposed. I've been stressed for weeks now, and when I'm stressed, I get very easily irritated, so nearly everyone has been -- oh, but even that's not true. When I say "nearly everyone", what I really mean is "R", because she's the only other friend I have. I feel bad for being so irritated by her that I tend to generalize every issue I have with her into a blanket statement, and that's another story.
So there's that. I am lonely, and I'm doing my best to fill the void, but so far I am having only moderate amounts of success, and I still feel unhappy and unfulfilled most of the time. I keep thinking: I just need to write this story, I just need to finish this drawing, and then everyone on the internet will love me and then I won't be sad all the time. It doesn't work like that, and it never works out like that anyway.
