nothing

[kasihya]

I thought it would be cool to be not-writing for a few days in order to work the stress out of my system but now I can't start again, and I end up spending hours staring out the window becoming increasingly restless but without the energy to actually do anything about it. I thought that if I can't write, then I should read, but I don't have the attention span to read. It's frustrating; I can't remember the last time that I got really, really into an actual book to the point that I could not get up and get things done because I was so interested in it. I mean there was one novel I read online - fanfiction but it was novel-length - that drew me in completely and I did get sucked in for six hours, but it wasn't the same, because a third of the way through I realized it was pretty porny but by that point I was compelled by other forms of fascination to continue reading and just skimmed the R-rated scenes because no. And it made me feel icky afterwards, not 'ew sex I don't ship' but 'ew I just wasted an entire day staring at a screen and ignoring other things'. I don't have the energy to continue this line of thought logically. I am sick of self-reflection. Screen = window = contact/communication, printed page =/= same associations, more confining, like the difference between being in a room with the window open at night and the window shut. Even though it's dark and you can only see black outside, it still feels like there's a world out there if you press your face to the glass, and if you shut the blinds then you're just in a box. That is the difference between screen and print so maybe it's just a psychological thing behind not being able to read books anymore but also there's just the attention span in general, because that was by far the exception rather than the rule. I have e-books on my computer and I can't get through those even though I know they're going to be good and I will like them more than I like erotica, which isn't actually that hard because I don't really like erotica. I can never take the words seriously.

Damn it I am not having a particularly thrilling or fun semester here, what the fuck is up with that. Last semester was so awesome but I worry that I took on too much and I know that I burned out at the end and I'm worried that I'm burning out again even though I don't even think I have as much going on - no that's a lie, I have different kinds of stressors this time around.