Stream-of-Consciousness Rambling
May. 3rd, 2012 01:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kasihya1. I am definitely feeling a lot more focused today. I got the weirdness out of my system for a while now, I think. I hope. This is good. I don't need this sort of distraction in my head all day long. (Distraction being an assortment of bewildering Sam feelings mixed in with an assortment of whatever ideas were associated with the music on my essay-writing playlist yesterday.)
2. Gawain. I have unexpected Gawain feelings that I do not need for this paper. Slightly more relevant than the Sam feelings, so it's not like I'm going to complain, but still, he's not relevant except in the context of him being an unmerciful twit about Lancelot's anger issues because I somehow doubt that therapy existed in the sixth century. Regardless of appropriateness, I keep getting random flashes of sadness that Gawain died; then I remind myself that he's been dead for 500 years; then I remind myself that he was never alive because he is a fictional character.
3. Space Opera Hamlet! Random thoughts of that awesome Space Opera Hamlet fic.
5. I have obtained and printed the script for Disney's Robin Hood, and at some point I am going to go through it and annotate it by Robyn Hode and Litell Johnn. Possibly with doodles.
6. Seriously, though, the 'Countrycide' episode was horrifying. Creepy little girl, oh man oh man. (Not actually Countrycide, I forget what the episode was called already, but it's the trope where it's a show about a team who deals with the paranormal, and then there's the episode where the paranormal thing turns out to be humans being bastards. And I know it's a trope, but that doesn't mean that creepy cannibals in rundown houses is not the most terrifying thing ever. (It's not, because the White Lady thing will always take precedence, but it's fucking up there.)
7. I love (I have decided this) the fanfiction trope where someone takes canon and twists it in new and horrifying ways. Like like like like Miggy's Images of Broken Light which is horrifying and fascinating. Okay, never mind, I should modify that: I love mind-bending stories that proceed so subtly that you don't even fully appreciate how far gone the characters are from their canon, until they abruptly meet back up with the original canon, and then you realize: holy wow, that got really messed up really fast. Taking IoBL as an example, everything sort of seems to be going okay towards the end of the last part, and then they come back to the real world and I find myself getting annoyed with the parents for being clingy and not understanding and not letting them be, and then I realize: no, they are the ones who are right: the viewpoint characters are totally screwed. Ditto with Home, because that was one of the most genuinely disturbing fics I have ever read. And then this - I don't even know what it's called, but it's just so. screwed. up. I am a sucker for fucked-up psyches in pretty much any fandom. Want more. Oooh TV Tropes has rec pages for those. I WILL GO CHECK THEM OUT AND SINK INTO A FANDOM COCOON FOR A FEW HOURS.
Awesome Mind-Bending Fics:
1. (Glee) Images of Broken Light by Miggy
2. (Glee) Home by Tamakito
3. (Doctor Who) And I Must Scream by Starling Night
AND. I feel like there are at least two more that I just can't remember right now, or haven't bookmarked, but when I find them, they're going here.
8. Now for Supernatural feelings. Because the first six or seven episodes were really stupid. Like, I thoroughly enjoyed the monsters and mystery aspect, but the angst made me cringe and not in a good way, plus all of the disposable women and general stupidity of some of the situations. And then somewhere between episodes seven and eight, it stopped sucking so hard, and I ended up stupidly, intensely attached. This probably has a lot to do with the fact that my current music selection is about 30% Supernatural fanmixes, so I have a whole lot of music-induced feelings associated with it now, too. There are two good things about this unfortunate situation, though! One, classes are over, so I can be a reasonably productive human being during the day and then watch an episode before going to bed (okay, two, more like) and it doesn't matter if that means I'm awake until 2am. Which seems to be the case. Two, the episodes are longer so I don't end up watching four at a clip and then dying of a scrambled brain. Three (I lied) it's sufficiently divorced from reality that I'm not about to get confused by what's real and what's not, the way I did with Community. Which was a fucking nightmare. I'm also used to a wide assortment of random noises going on around my room 24/7, so I'm not freaked out by things that go bump in the night. (See: the dudes playing 2am basketball outside my window, the random people running past my door at all hours.)
9. And this is a silly corollary, but it's helped me to decide, definitively, that (a) Taran and Neirin are not related by blood, but (b) they were raised together since Neirin was six, and (c) their relationship is codependent, slightly lopsided re: Taran > Neirin, but it is (d) not sexual at any point in time. This is kind of a relief, to get that down.
10. I've been plotting out my short story for Fiction Workshop next semester, and I'm really excited about it. It's the Team TARDIS-inspired triad story, supplemented by posts in /r/polyamory, and heavily dosed with my family history. (It takes place in the town where my dad's family lives, Karen is a boarder like my dad's family had growing up, Simon's career path is based off of my cousin's, and Matt lives where my mom did when she and my dad were dating. This is mostly because Simon was already an electrician, and because the parts of town that I know are the parts that are associated with my family.) And the emotional arcs have parts of my own disastrous foray into 'Attempting poly for absolutely the worst fucking reasons, fuck'. There really needs to be another 'fuck' or 'shit' in there, just to emphasize how absolutely fucking awful an idea that was. So I'm using that to navigate the story, and avoid that situation because it was still a fucking scarring experience. [Clarification: I mean legitimately scarring, not Tumblr 'OMG this thing makes me sad/upset/feel negative things TRIGGER WARNING'. The whole thing sets off an irrational panic reaction and sends me into lockdown.
11. I'm listening to 'Someday' by Rob Thomas, and the song makes me happy and optimistic, but it also makes me sad because it makes me feel like there's a future where I'm happy and not plagued by a shitload of social anxiety. Clean: that feeling in the air when it's spring, and just the right temperature, and sunny, and the air feels light because there's no humidity, and you can just go running down the green with your arms spread wide, beaming. Or like when you're really gross and icky, and then you shower and scrub yourself clean, and when you've dried off and are walking out right afterwards, it feels light and amazing. It sounds like that to me. And right now, I've got clamps around my shoulders and neck, keeping me hunched over and from being totally comfortable upright, and nothing fits right, and there's a film between me and the rest of the world: settled right into my skin, drawn across my eyes, so I can see and feel, but it separates me from everything else; looking through a small window in a stone wall instead of being outside, is probably a better way to put it.
12. I'm sort of hungry, but I really don't want to get up, and I don't actually want to eat. I just want to not be hungry.
2. Gawain. I have unexpected Gawain feelings that I do not need for this paper. Slightly more relevant than the Sam feelings, so it's not like I'm going to complain, but still, he's not relevant except in the context of him being an unmerciful twit about Lancelot's anger issues because I somehow doubt that therapy existed in the sixth century. Regardless of appropriateness, I keep getting random flashes of sadness that Gawain died; then I remind myself that he's been dead for 500 years; then I remind myself that he was never alive because he is a fictional character.
3. Space Opera Hamlet! Random thoughts of that awesome Space Opera Hamlet fic.
5. I have obtained and printed the script for Disney's Robin Hood, and at some point I am going to go through it and annotate it by Robyn Hode and Litell Johnn. Possibly with doodles.
6. Seriously, though, the 'Countrycide' episode was horrifying. Creepy little girl, oh man oh man. (Not actually Countrycide, I forget what the episode was called already, but it's the trope where it's a show about a team who deals with the paranormal, and then there's the episode where the paranormal thing turns out to be humans being bastards. And I know it's a trope, but that doesn't mean that creepy cannibals in rundown houses is not the most terrifying thing ever. (It's not, because the White Lady thing will always take precedence, but it's fucking up there.)
7. I love (I have decided this) the fanfiction trope where someone takes canon and twists it in new and horrifying ways. Like like like like Miggy's Images of Broken Light which is horrifying and fascinating. Okay, never mind, I should modify that: I love mind-bending stories that proceed so subtly that you don't even fully appreciate how far gone the characters are from their canon, until they abruptly meet back up with the original canon, and then you realize: holy wow, that got really messed up really fast. Taking IoBL as an example, everything sort of seems to be going okay towards the end of the last part, and then they come back to the real world and I find myself getting annoyed with the parents for being clingy and not understanding and not letting them be, and then I realize: no, they are the ones who are right: the viewpoint characters are totally screwed. Ditto with Home, because that was one of the most genuinely disturbing fics I have ever read. And then this - I don't even know what it's called, but it's just so. screwed. up. I am a sucker for fucked-up psyches in pretty much any fandom. Want more. Oooh TV Tropes has rec pages for those. I WILL GO CHECK THEM OUT AND SINK INTO A FANDOM COCOON FOR A FEW HOURS.
Awesome Mind-Bending Fics:
1. (Glee) Images of Broken Light by Miggy
2. (Glee) Home by Tamakito
3. (Doctor Who) And I Must Scream by Starling Night
AND. I feel like there are at least two more that I just can't remember right now, or haven't bookmarked, but when I find them, they're going here.
8. Now for Supernatural feelings. Because the first six or seven episodes were really stupid. Like, I thoroughly enjoyed the monsters and mystery aspect, but the angst made me cringe and not in a good way, plus all of the disposable women and general stupidity of some of the situations. And then somewhere between episodes seven and eight, it stopped sucking so hard, and I ended up stupidly, intensely attached. This probably has a lot to do with the fact that my current music selection is about 30% Supernatural fanmixes, so I have a whole lot of music-induced feelings associated with it now, too. There are two good things about this unfortunate situation, though! One, classes are over, so I can be a reasonably productive human being during the day and then watch an episode before going to bed (okay, two, more like) and it doesn't matter if that means I'm awake until 2am. Which seems to be the case. Two, the episodes are longer so I don't end up watching four at a clip and then dying of a scrambled brain. Three (I lied) it's sufficiently divorced from reality that I'm not about to get confused by what's real and what's not, the way I did with Community. Which was a fucking nightmare. I'm also used to a wide assortment of random noises going on around my room 24/7, so I'm not freaked out by things that go bump in the night. (See: the dudes playing 2am basketball outside my window, the random people running past my door at all hours.)
9. And this is a silly corollary, but it's helped me to decide, definitively, that (a) Taran and Neirin are not related by blood, but (b) they were raised together since Neirin was six, and (c) their relationship is codependent, slightly lopsided re: Taran > Neirin, but it is (d) not sexual at any point in time. This is kind of a relief, to get that down.
10. I've been plotting out my short story for Fiction Workshop next semester, and I'm really excited about it. It's the Team TARDIS-inspired triad story, supplemented by posts in /r/polyamory, and heavily dosed with my family history. (It takes place in the town where my dad's family lives, Karen is a boarder like my dad's family had growing up, Simon's career path is based off of my cousin's, and Matt lives where my mom did when she and my dad were dating. This is mostly because Simon was already an electrician, and because the parts of town that I know are the parts that are associated with my family.) And the emotional arcs have parts of my own disastrous foray into 'Attempting poly for absolutely the worst fucking reasons, fuck'. There really needs to be another 'fuck' or 'shit' in there, just to emphasize how absolutely fucking awful an idea that was. So I'm using that to navigate the story, and avoid that situation because it was still a fucking scarring experience. [Clarification: I mean legitimately scarring, not Tumblr 'OMG this thing makes me sad/upset/feel negative things TRIGGER WARNING'. The whole thing sets off an irrational panic reaction and sends me into lockdown.
11. I'm listening to 'Someday' by Rob Thomas, and the song makes me happy and optimistic, but it also makes me sad because it makes me feel like there's a future where I'm happy and not plagued by a shitload of social anxiety. Clean: that feeling in the air when it's spring, and just the right temperature, and sunny, and the air feels light because there's no humidity, and you can just go running down the green with your arms spread wide, beaming. Or like when you're really gross and icky, and then you shower and scrub yourself clean, and when you've dried off and are walking out right afterwards, it feels light and amazing. It sounds like that to me. And right now, I've got clamps around my shoulders and neck, keeping me hunched over and from being totally comfortable upright, and nothing fits right, and there's a film between me and the rest of the world: settled right into my skin, drawn across my eyes, so I can see and feel, but it separates me from everything else; looking through a small window in a stone wall instead of being outside, is probably a better way to put it.
12. I'm sort of hungry, but I really don't want to get up, and I don't actually want to eat. I just want to not be hungry.
